Week LXXXIII (416): Diff'rent Jokes


"If Betsy Ross had been a man . . ."

This week's contest: How might things have been different if a famous person -- living or dead -- had been: 1) of the opposite gender; 2) of a different nationality; 3) really, really stupid; or 4) a dog, living in a world of dogs? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a set of really nice metal coasters from the Rotary Club International and a genuine Don Ho drinking glass from the Polynesian Palace Hotel in Waikiki Beach and an orange polyester necktie purchased in a Marriott Hotel gift shop.  
First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 2. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke.

REPORT FROM WEEK LXXIX (412), in which we asked you to take any famous line and ruin it by ending it with a thud.

[diam]Fourth Runner-Up: Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth who happens to have a fatal disease. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

[diam]Third Runner-Up: In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth, and it was nice. A little on the schlocky side maybe, but still, what's not to like? (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

[diam]Second Runner-Up: I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by their scores on standardized tests. (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.)

[diam]First Runner-Up: I am not a crook, per se. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

[diam]And the winner of the antique box of 1,000 frilly toothpicks:

Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee. Moby, I've had it up to HERE with you. (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

Ask not what your country can do for you, you selfish bastards. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for dwarf or child, or very small woman. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke; Greg Arnold, Herndon)

I float like a butterfly and sting like a hemorrhoid. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

And the Lord said, "Phew." (Judith E. Cottrill, New York)

All hope abandon ye who enter here, so get used to it. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou are cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life; and havest thou a nice day. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

The mass of men lead lives of quiet respiration. (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.)

Gentlemen may cry, "Peace! Peace!" but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, I'd suggest a pilot group examine the feasibility of a commission to study the matter. (Jim W. Pond, Holliston, Mass.)

Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Plus, it's colder than a brass outhouse seat. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

I think, therefore I have thoughts. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

. . . and will to the best of my ability preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help me Rhonda. (Hank Wallace, Washington)

What do we want? Freedom. When do we want it? With all deliberate speed. (Hank Wallace, Washington)

Don't fire until you see the hair in their noses. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Hail, Caesar. We who are about to die say, "buh-bye." Wave, everybody. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. And man, the stories I could tell. But this is neither the time nor place. Now, what was the question? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

That which does not kill me makes me stronger. That which does kill me makes me dead. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Mike Byars, Bethesda)

Revenge is a dish best served cold, like gazpacho. (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda)

If not us, who? If not now, when? If not here, where? If not this, what? If not because, why? If not . . . (Mike Byars, Bethesda)

Neither a borrower nor a lender be, unless the interest rate is favorable. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)

Better a season as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep. On the other hand, you could split the difference and spend a few years as a kangaroo. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)